An Awkward Position
by chilibreath
Summary: A play on the title to a Season 3 episode, this is an attempt at combining the best of known crack plots. I hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own House--its a disappointment when I wake up in the morning and realize I don't own House.  
**

**A/N - I have been inspired when I recently came across a gender-bender fic written by a talented authoress—whose name I shamefully cannot recall—and recalling the awesome bardvahalla's House/LoTR satire "Lord of the Pickles" (involving an emergency visit to the Free Clinic) AND recalling an episode from American Dad. The title is a play from one of the episodes this third season. No spoilers. Nope, nope, nope. Just a buttload of crack.**

--

"It can't be!"

Cameron leaned back carefully on her stool, shaking her head in disbelief, before looking over the results of the urine tests for the third time—after running the urine sample the fourth time.

"Do them again."

"We've run the same tests FOUR times, House," Cameron said wearily. "The results are conclusive…"

"Run them again!" House yelled. "You owe me this, Cameron!"

Cameron sputtered, "Excuse me?!"

"Yes, you!" House hissed; he had just Wilson, who was passing by, had paused misstep and was looking at them with his uniquely Wilson-esque look of concern. "This all happened right after you seduced me…"

Cameron momentarily forgot about her righteous indignation to raise a slender eyebrow and parrot sardonically, "I seduced _you_?"

"Admitting it is the first step," House shot back without losing momentum on his righteous indignation. "Remember Occam's Razor? I haven't eaten anything that I shouldn't, we've already ruled out that my Vicodin habit didn't give me adverse effects, and thanks to my choosy nature, I don't have STDs. The only rule I broke is doing the hoochie-coochie with you MINUS Cyrano de Bergerac's magic glove! It all fits."

"It might, if not for the fact that YOU'RE the one who's pregnant!"

"WHAT?!"

Accompanying this outburst was the fluttering sound of paperwork falling to the floor and House and Cameron turning swiftly around to stare at the shocked newcomer.

Wilson stared at House and Cameron as though the two doctors were doing it doggie-style before his eyes. "I think something's wrong with my hearing, but did she just say that YOU'RE pregnant, House?"

"Noooo!" House drawled out. "Cameron and I are rehearsing our lines for Junior the Second. Cameron and I signed up as stunt doubles for _Ah-nuld_ and Thompson."

Wilson didn't buy that; he spotted the laptop set in front of Cameron atop the lab table and headed straight for it. Before House could stop him, Wilson had seen what the machine had discovered, and his jaw dropped even lower.

"It says here—House, you ARE pregnant!" Wilson turned to his friend and looked him over with a critical eye. "Well, uh…"

Wilson placed a hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it carefully.

"Don't say it…" House began to warn him.

But nothing was going to stop James Wilson. "Congratulations!" he said loudly. He then turned to Cameron, hugged her, and continued, "So, I take it the cigars are going to come from you now, huh?"

House snorted. "Oh, COME ON!"

Cameron giggled. "I did _good_, didn't I?"

Wilson grinned, and then the both of them turned to look at House, who suddenly looked nauseous. Alarmed, Cameron jumped off the stool and grabbed a wastebasket from under the lab table.

"If you're going to puke, do it here," Cameron said softly, leading House to the far corner of the lab. The older man took the basket away from her and hurled into it. Wilson took this opportunity to walk back towards the doorway of the lab to pick up his fallen papers, looking at both ends of the hallway to ascertain that Foreman, Chase, and in particular Cuddy were nowhere to be found. Satisfied that none of those people will be making their way to this part of the hospital (as far as he could tell), Wilson straightened up and closed  
the lab door behind him. He positioned himself at the stool Cameron vacated as he waited for his friend's nausea to pass.

When House finally resurfaced, Cameron led him to the sink, where he gargled and splashed water over his face. He was drying off his face with a handkerchief when Wilson asked, "Are you going to keep the baby?"

House rolled his eyes. "I am NOT pregnant!"

Wilson snorted. "That's not what the urine and blood analyses say..."

"Inconclusive," House butted in. "Cameron gave me a severe case of the cooties…"

"I did not!" Cameron muttered. She crossed her arms over her chest and charged on, "And you have all the symptoms lately: you're restless, you have weird food cravings, you've become moody and irritable…"

Wilson couldn't resist cracking, "You mean to tell me House has been pregnant all this time?"

"Shut up, iron-toenails man," House gritted out.

Cameron continued, "...and I just saw you feeling up your breas—I mean pectorals." She started to giggle, which she tamped down when House sent her a malevolent glare. After calming down, Cameron finished up with a serious, "And we just tested your urine four times, and four times, it came back with no other result other than you're PREGNANT."

House breathed in deeply and released the air slowly through his teeth, making the hiss quite pronounced. "Those symptoms could fit any other diseases, Cameron, so don't plan any baby showers yet."

"There is another test that'll prove whether or not you're pregnant," Wilson said contemplatively. He checked his wristwatch and continued, "The technicians will be out for lunch by this time, but first House needs a lot to drink."

--

Eight liters of mineral water later, House was propped on top of an examining table in radiology with his fly open and his Black Sabbath t-shirt half-way up his torso. Cameron had prepped an ultrasound machine, rubbing a tube of ultrasound gel between slender hands to warm it up. Wilson took up the task of bribing a technician to keep an eye out and locking up behind them. He doubled up on the privacy when he arrived by turning the drapes around them, a task that made House snort in contempt.

"Did you remember to spray-paint the security cameras, too?" he asked flatly.

"No, I used some shoe polish," Wilson retorted.

House was about to add something, but jumped instead when Cameron squeezed a generous amount of gel over his stomach.

"Moment of truth," Cameron said, applying some gel on the business end of the ultrasound apparatus. "Lay back, House."

"Oh, joy," House said with a sigh, lying back on the hard mattress. "Just hurry it up; I don't know how much mini-me can hold it."

"Take it like a man, House," Cameron muttered. She moved the apparatus slowly up and over House's abdomen, pressing it here and there, completing the task with a grim expression on her delicate face. The grim look then melted to one of shock.

"Oh my—" Cameron whispered. She almost dropped the wand.

"What?" House said. The look on Cameron's face didn't bode well with him. "Turn the viewing screen around, Cameron. What did you find?"

Wilson moved fast, standing beside Cameron and joining her in her ogling. "Oh boy!"

House became mightily exasperated. "WHAT?! Is it a tumor, an abscess, a tapeworm, what?!"

Wilson looked at House, then at Cameron, then at the screen. "Well, you tell us," Wilson said, raising an arm to move the 17" monitor towards House.

House's jaw dropped. "No…"

"You got that right," Wilson breathed. "This is not right, House! You have _two_ fetuses in you, and you've got separate placentas for each of them!"

House's eyes widened in disbelief. "Are you SHITTING me?!"

"Nope," Cameron replied softly. Then she turned serious, "You stole my eggs!"

"Yeah, I'm such a sucky weasel," House barked back. "How the hell am I supposed to steal YOUR eggs? You're supposed to be these guys' holding tank, not me! I'm not supposed to even HAVE a tank!"

"Well, take a good look, House, because you're an incubator now!" Cameron cried shrilly.

"Like hell I am!"

To Wilson and Cameron's horror, House started weeping.

"Hormones," Cameron and Wilson said in unison.

--

_Somewhere…_

_This exercise is pointless. What are you trying to prove?_

**It is not pointless. In madness, there is always a method.**

_Really?_

**Really.**

_Hmph! I'll believe it when I see it._

**Oh, you will. This is just phase one of my brilliant plan. Phase two will be coming along shortly.**

Phase two--hmmm...I cannot be sure unless yea clicketh the comments button.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Phase two of the mysterious crack!master plan. House and cravings and expansion! Somebody is being someone he shouldn't! A mysterious flash of light! Soundless calls of nature! Basically, there is MORE CRACK. Read at sanity's risk!**

---

_Somewhere, out there..._

_So, what do you think?_

**What do I think? WHAT DO I THINK?!? This Phase Two is preposterous! I won't let you do it…**

_Too late._

**What?**

_Too late. TOO LATE...what are you, deaf?_

**Aw, DAMN...you already got their fearless leader pregnant and chock-full of hormones, now this?! I think the unnatural pregnancy is enough...**

_There is no such THING as enough! We need more time, and THIS will give us time!_

**But...**

_Do you want to stop now?_

**No...**

_Hah--I knew it. Just sit back and enjoy the show, there's a good sport._

**(mumbling) I'm thinking you're having way too much fun with this...**

---

Cameron was left to clean up inside Radiology, printing out the results of the ultrasound before deleting the memory from the machine. Meanwhile, Wilson led a becalmed House to the men's room to answer the call of nature and kneel before the porcelain god. Wilson had to check if the men's room was clear before leading House inside it. While House went about his personal business, Wilson looked around and found maintenance's "Cleaning Going On" sign and put that up outside the door. Satisfied that they would have some privacy, Wilson went back in and did his own personal business in one of the urinals.

"It's perfectly natural, House," Wilson said cautiously, after House stopped retching first. He unzipped his fly and went on his business. The men's room was very quiet as both men did their thing. House did not reply until he opened the stall door, pale and even more disheveled. He walked carefully towards the sinks, adjusting his fly with some difficulty. After washing his hands and splashing his face with some water, he replied, "It is not natural," he grumbled, whipping out his handkerchief to wipe his face. "I'm not supposed to be hosting a couple of parasites, puking, and going all girly. That's supposed to be Cameron's job, and…" here, House paused as he attempted to close his fly again. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me!"

Wilson had finished peeing and used his elbow to flush the urinal, turning swiftly to look at his friend as he closed his own fly. "What now?"

House gave up closing his fly. "I can't zip up," he muttered. Wilson moved towards the sink to wash his hands and looked at House at the same time.

"Are you having trouble peeing again?" Wilson finally asked as he dried his shook his hands of the excess water before retrieving his handkerchief to dry his hands with.

House gave Wilson a "duh!" look. "It's the weird acoustics in this place," House said darkly. "You can hear your pesky friend ask stupid questions, but you can't hear yourself pee eight liters into the toilet." He then turned sideways and lifted a corner of his shirt halfway up. "Notice anything different?"

Wilson did. "Please tell me that's a beer gut," Wilson said weakly.

"When I woke up this morning, I had a washboard stomach," House said tightly. He was looking at his exposed and newly rounded abdomen in the mirror; he figured that he had gained 5 inches since he drank the water in preparation for the ultrasound. "Maybe this'll go away after I pee some more."

Wilson moved closer to House and tentatively touched his stomach. Both men literally jumped when they registered movement from within, and they almost jumped higher when they heard the door to the men's room opening and some cussing in an Australian accent.

"Hide!" Wilson hissed, but they were too late. A partially exposed and fly-opened House and a mortified Wilson turned around and came face-to-face with a harassed-looking but very pretty blond and blue-eyed woman wearing what looked like Chase's clothes. The three people looked at each other in confusion.

The cross-dressing woman was the first to break the silence. "Am I interrupting anything?" she asked in a strangely masculine, accented, _familiar_ voice.

House (who momentarily forgot about his state of exposure) and Wilson dropped their jaws in perfect sync. They peered closely at the woman, clinically noting her perfect hourglass figure, her flawless peaches-and-cream complexion, and her wide, cornflower blue eyes.

Chase's eyes—and now that it registered, Chase's voice.

---

After receiving the cryptic page, Cameron raced to the men's room with the maintenance sign hooked on the doorknob. She looked around her first, satisfied that no one will notice a woman entering the men's room, before actually entering it.

"I'm here," Cameron announced as she closed the door behind her (unfortunately, the knob didn't have a locking mechanism). "What's the emer—oh."

Cameron paused near the entrance of the men's room as she noticed that Wilson and House weren't the only people inside. Standing beside them was a woman leaning on one of the sinks. She resembled a disgruntled, watered-down version of Uma Thurman with dark blond hair and wearing a brown shirt, red-and-black tie, a black jacket, and dark blue jeans.

It looked like an ensemble Chase would wear…but before that observation took root, Cameron noticed House leaning on the stall, rubbing his distended belly—distended?

"What the—when did THAT happen?!" Cameron said in horror, walking swiftly to House. She tentatively raised a hand, wanting to touch but unsure of it. House snorted and snatched Cameron's hand and placed it on his expanding stomach. Wilson was standing in the middle of the men's room, looking at the blond woman wearing menswear to House and Cameron. The blond woman crossed her arms, then uncrossed them, looking down at her generous endowments with a look of awe and anxiety.

Assuring herself that House was indeed increasing, Cameron turned to look at the blond woman. "Why are you wearing Chase's clothes?" she blurted out.

The blond woman replied sourly in Chase's voice: "Because I AM Chase!"

Cameron stifled a scream. "Oh my GOD!"

Behind her, House looked at Chase and tilted his head to the side, "I always knew pretty boy would make a pretty girl."

"And I always knew you had a reason for being so bitchy," Chase shot back, nodding at House's pregnant belly. House stuck his tongue out at girl-Chase.

"What happened, Chase?" Cameron asked softly, walking towards the oddly dressed woman.

Chase ran a beautifully manicured hand through her—uh—his hair, which was long enough to cover half his back. "I have absolutely NO idea. I was in the shower…"

"Oh, for the love of God, STOP RIGHT THERE!" House yelled hysterically, clapping a hand over his eyes. Chase and Cameron glared at House; Cameron nodded at Chase to continue.

"Well, I was showering, then I—uh—turned into a girl," Chase finished lamely. He wasn't going into detail how his naked body morphed into a woman right before his eyes; it was horrifying enough to see his manhood…

"HOUSE!"

Everyone in the restroom jumped.

Cuddy walked inside, her icy blue eyes narrowed into slits. "I've been looking all over for you—" she began, but stopped talking and walking abruptly when she got a good look at her target.

House looked down at himself; his fly was still undone because he couldn't zip it up anymore, so he tried to hide that area by pulling down his shirt, without much success. "Have you no shame, Cuddy?" he asked as scathingly as he could while trying to hide his growing middle. "Barging into the men's room…"

"What happened to you?!" Cuddy demanded, her earlier irritation forgotten.

House looked down at his stomach. "Oh, this?" House asked brightly. "I have a couple of parasites residing in my abdominal wall."

Cuddy's face contorted into disgust. "Don't tell me its a tapeworm…"

"It's not," girl-Chase cut in, making Cuddy whirl around in her stilettos to look at her—uh—him, and nearly fell down in shock when she took in Chase's new "look". "House is pregnant. With twins."

"Aw, Chase!" House yelled. "You ruined my surprise!"

"You can't be pregnant!" Cuddy cried shrilly; in reaction, Wilson and Cameron covered their ears while House and girl-Chase winced.

House sighed; there was no way to keep this from Cuddy now. "I didn't want to tell you because you might get jealous and try to kidnap my unborn children," House said in an explanatory tone of voice. "If you don't believe me, ask Cameron; she's the one who knocked me up."

"You stole my eggs!" Cameron wailed in defense. She whipped out the printout of the ultrasound from the pocket of her lab coat and handed it to Cuddy. "Here's proof; Wilson will verify that it's House's abdomen we ultrasounded."

Cuddy snatched the thermal paper from Cameron and scanned it. After a minute, she paled and looked at House's stomach.

"He's growing an inch every twenty minutes," girl-Chase explained. It made Cuddy conscious that another person was in the men's room, and that person just happened to be in a body not suited to his gender. "Dr. Chase?" Cuddy asked.

Moving away from the sink, girl-Chase raised his (there we go!) arms and slowly turned around. "Don't ask me how it happened, but it happened, and here I am," he said wearily, leaning back on the sink. It caused his breasts to bounce a bit, garnering House and Wilson's notice before either of them remembered whose boobs they were ogling.

Cuddy was rendered speechless. She looked at Wilson, hoping he'd explain, but all she got out of him was an equally bewildered look and a shrug. She then turned to look at House, but he just asked, "Got a pair of pants I can squeeze into?"

That helped jolt Cuddy back to her senses. "No!" She rubbed a hand on her chin and began to think. "Can you wear an extra, extra large set of scrubs in the meantime?" she asked House.

House shrugged. "Beats walking around in a maternity dress."

"Okay," Cuddy pressed her hands together and placed them near her lips. "Dr. Chase will have to lay low at your Department for a time, until we can figure out what to do…"

"No problem," girl-Chase said, sounding a little relieved.

"…and I already saw Foreman in the conference room of Diagnostics, and nothing weird has happened to him, thank God!" Cuddy paused here to look at the group. "So, all we have to do is…"

At that moment, everyone became blinded by a sudden flash of bright white light. They heard Cuddy scream, then the light disappeared, as suddenly as it came.

Wilson was the first to speak out, blinking furiously. "Is everyone alright?"

"Still a girl," Chase muttered.

"I'm good," Cameron called out. "House, what about you? House?"

They saw House looking down at a pile of clothing, a look of shock plastered on his face. The others followed his gaze, realizing that the clothes on the floor were what Cuddy wore when she entered the restroom. In the middle of the pile, they saw movement.

Cameron approached the pile and lifted a corner of the red blouse. "Oh, no."

"What is it? What happened to Cuddy?" Chase whispered.

Cameron did not answer; she reached under the blouse and extracted a black, fluffy kitten, mewing loudly.

"Oh, shit!" exited three people's mouths.

---

_Uh...that wasn't supposed to happen until Phase Three, I swear!_

**You nincompoop! Did you have to do THAT with witnesses around?!**

_Those witnesses were already affected--besides, they're already suspicious, nothing to worry about. _

**Your callous attitude will be the death of us all, so help me...**

_So, how's the operation going?_

**(incomprehensible muttering)...it's going well, right on schedule.**

_Excellent!_

**The big one will get suspicious. He's going to find out, and then we're going to be so screwed!**

_Stop wetting your panties, you wuss! He'll be too busy cleaning up this mess, and by then we'll be free! Anyway, even though it was set off too early, Phase Three is about to commence._

**I think you've done enough…**

_What did I tell you about the word "enough", eh? There's no such thing as enough!_

(Part three coming up—standby!)


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: I realized I mixed up the two unknowns. The one with the crack!master plan is represented in boldface type and the conspirator is represented in italics. My mistake—I've fixed it in here now. Anyway—Phase Three involves someone who wants special food—and it's not just the pregnant man! Somebody is "seemingly" normal—until the mouth opens (NOT what you're thinking). Two needed wardrobe changes. Someone other than Cameron will get groped (yikes!)._

_Beware of the crack..._

---

**(Looks at a piece of paper, then up) What is this?**

_(Pretends ignorance) Well, it's your list of dastardly deeds. Why?_

**(Waves piece of paper in the air) Somebody marked off SOMETHING and wrote in something else. And the handwriting looks familiar…**

_Er…I thought it might bring some more action into this thing, is all._

**(Beams) You're getting into the spirit of things! (Laughs out loud)**

_Shh! Do you want to get us caught?_

**(Snickers)**

_Okay, okay (grins sheepishly). I thought I might try my hand into this mess. If we're going to die, we might as well leave something behind to show for our greatness._

**(Snorts) Greatness, indeed! And for the record, we're not going to die, and this is a pretty good thing you wrote in here. Let's use it!**

_(Starts in surprise) Really?_

**Really!**

_Oh boy, I'll go get something to munch on…_

---

There are three stalls inside the restroom where House, girl-Chase, and Cuddy the kitten were hiding in. Outside the stalls, girl-Chase held Cuddy the kitten in his arms, absentmindedly scratching her behind the ears and relishing making the Dean of Medicine literally purr.

Cuddy made an adorable, blue-eyed, black kitten with folded ears—save for the white, heart-shaped patches on her chest and bottom. After examining the kitten, House announced that in the event they lost her, they wouldn't have a hard time finding her. "Just find the cat with the exposed chest and ass—hey!"

In reaction, Cuddy had hissed and swatted House on the chin, then catapulted herself into Wilson's arms, sheathing her little claws on the oncologist's pocket protector to hook on. Wilson entertained the group by hopping around the restroom and yelling "Get her off me, get her off me—WACHOO!!!"

In the end, Chase was left behind to baby-sit Cuddy—Wilson was allergic to cat dander, and he and Cameron were the only ones who wouldn't draw suspicion.

Inside the stall designed for the disabled, House, wearing only his boxer shorts, leaned back against the porcelain seat and stretched out his legs. He was beginning to feel the heat, so to speak, and he could no longer fit into his clothes; girl-Chase had miscalculated the amount of time it took for House to increase. Instead of an inch every twenty minutes, it turned out that he gained two inches every 15 minutes.

"What the hell is taking so long?" House grumbled, shifting uncomfortably on this hard cold seat. "I want my strawberry and kiwi ice cream and pork jerky HOURS ago!"

Girl-Chase rolled his eyes and dropped Cuddy the kitten in the sink behind him. "Give them time, House," he said in exasperation, looking slyly at Cuddy's pile of clothes piled neatly in a sink next to him. "Do you know how hard it is to find giant-sized scrub suits, leathered pig skin, and two tubs of ice cream inside the hospital?"

Behind the stall door, House snorted. "Going bitchy on me now that I'm fat, Barbie?" he snarled. He leaned forward and massaged his bad thigh; he hadn't taken any Vicodin since he dragged Cameron to the lab with a large beaker filled with his urine. "And for the record, the hospital DOES serve strawberry and kiwi ice cream."

Girl-Chase wrinkled his dainty nose in distaste. "Gross."

House continued to mutter and cuss; Girl-Chase paid no attention to him. Chase had just sneaked another look at Cuddy's clothes. Turning to the kitten, who had now curled up into a ball in the center of the sink, Chase raised a delicate hand for the clothes, picking the articles up one by one. He turned around and leaned down to whisper into Cuddy's ear, "I'll just borrow them for a spell; I'll return them when we all change back."

Cuddy looked up at Chase, then gave a small nod.

---

At the ground floor, a shades-wearing Wilson walked briskly through the halls of PPTH, lugging two large plastic bags in his arms. On the opposite side, Cameron was making her way to the elevators holding two pink scrub suits and a patient's gown wrapped in clear plastic. They approached each other near the doors of the Free Clinic.

"Got the scrubs," Cameron whispered. "I don't know what size House'll be when we got back, and I also found a spare set for Chase to wear."

"Got the food," Wilson whispered back. He looked furtively at Cameron, shifted the bags to one arm, and raised a hand to cover his mouth. Cameron tilted her head at him, then hooked an arm through Wilson's and led him towards the men's room near Radiology.

"What's wrong with you?" Cameron whispered. "And since when did you wear shades?"

"Nuffing," Wilson muttered through his hand. The gums on his upper jaw were getting very itchy, and he was using his tongue to rub over the affected area, particularly over his canines. He drove out to the nearest 7-Eleven to buy the food House was craving (and an easy-to-open can of spam for Cuddy), and while he was there, his eyes became irritated under the bright fluorescent lights, so he splurged on a pair of sunglasses.

Cameron gave him a curious look. They turn a corner, and Wilson looked up through his cheap Ray Ban knock-offs and hissed, "Its Foreman!"

It was Foreman; he approaching them at stalking speed, arms crossed over a small rectangular whiteboard, and looking both annoyed and panicked.

"Act natural," Cameron muttered to Wilson. To Foreman, Cameron said, "Hey, we've been looking everywhere for you, Foreman."

Foreman reached them and gave Cameron an ugly look. He lifted the whiteboard from his chest, picked up a marker from the depths of his white coat, and began to scribble on it. Cameron and Wilson looked at each other in confusion…

---

The door to the restroom opened with violent force, making Cuddy the kitten jump in her sink. Assuring herself that her kitten bottom didn't shoot into the hole in the middle of the sink, Cuddy peered over the rim and saw Cameron, Foreman, and Wilson enter.

Cuddy went "Mrooowr?"

"Oh, hi Cuddy," Cameron said. She looked around the restroom and then asked, "Where are House and Chase?"

Chase and House called out "In here!" at the same time from the stalls. Cameron approached the larger stall and slid the plastic bags of scrub suit and patient's gown underneath it. "Try these on for size, House."

"Thanks," House muttered. "What the—PINK! Cameron!"

Cameron rolled her eyes. "They're the only ones that are jumbo-sized," she said. "And you're glowing, so you have to wear pink."

"What do you mean I'm _glowing_?" House muttered.

Cameron moved towards the sink and picked up Cuddy the kitten, stroking her back. "Well, you're complexion's good and you've got a nice rosy glow going on when we left you. I'm thinking you've got some excess estrogen, which probably means the twins are girls."

Inside his stall—he had claimed it as his when he started to sweat all over the toilet—House made a face and stared down at his burgeoning stomach. "Damn," he growled, bending over awkwardly to pick up the clothes. "There goes my dream of a yacht crew. How will the girls handle the mizzen mast?"

"They are not going sailing, you old sea dog," Cameron muttered. "Oh, and we've got another casualty—Foreman became mute. And he knows about you, Chase, and Cuddy."

"He is? Gee, I hadn't noticed!" House said. On the other side of the stall, Foreman made a rude gesture with his hand.

Cameron then turned to the other stall, "Chase, I got you a spare set of scrubs in your size."

"Uh, no thanks, Cameron," Chase said nervously. "I'm good, I'm good."

Meanwhile, Wilson walked toward the sinks and looked into one. "Hey, weren't Cuddy's clothes in this sink?"

Cuddy, who was still in her sink—she peed in it, so it now qualifies as hers—widened her eyes and removed her chin off the rim of the sink. "Mew!"

Cameron and Wilson looked at each other, then turned to look at the smaller stall. "Chase," Cameron called out cautiously. "What happened to Cuddy's clothes?"

"Frankly, I'm interested to know that, too," House said, opening the door of his stall and shuffling out, wearing a combination of the scrub suit pants and the patient's gown. "Can somebody tie me up in the back?"

"Uh, sure," Cameron said, walking towards House as he turned around.

"Chase, did you take Cuddy's clothes?" Wilson asked. Foreman approached Cuddy's sink and picked her up by the scruff. He held her in the crook of his arm and scratched her small, folded ears, making her purr.

They heard Chase sigh and the click of the stall door lock. Girl-Chase poked his head out and looked for Cameron. "I—uh—need some help here," he said, blushing very prettily.

Confused, Cameron entered the stall and locked it behind her. "What's the problem, Cha—?" Cameron's jaw dropped.

A topless girl-Chase had wrapped his arms around his very generous breasts. He was wearing Cuddy's tight black skirt and pantyhose. Judging from the bright pink thong on top of a red printed blouse, Chase was still wearing his own underwear. Sheepish, girl-Chase lifted his right hand and showed Cameron a lacy pink bra. "Can you help me put this on?" he asked, blushing.

---

House ate the strawberry and kiwi ice cream straight from the tub, alternating every two scoops with a bite of pork jerky. Cuddy the kitten was eating the can of spam in her sink. Foreman stood in one corner, looking at House eat with a look of revulsion on his face. Wilson, at House's insistence, was made to pee in the stall. "I don't want to see you shoot while I'm eating here," House complained.

The door of the smaller stall opened, and Cameron stepped out, a strange smile plastered on her face. "Come on out, Chase—don't be shy," she cooed.

"I'm not shy—I'm exposed," Chase muttered. Cameron leaned in the stall and yanked out girl-Chase, all decked out in Cuddy's outfit. House dropped his plastic spoon in his ice cream and Foreman dropped his jaw.

"Amazing," House said in awe, looking up and down at Chase. "You've got an even bigger set of melons than Cuddy! Don't breathe in too much."

Girl-Chase scowled at House.

The door to the other stall opened, and Wilson stepped out. He looked different—very different. Cuddy stopped munching on her spam, turned around, and the fur covering her back started to rise as she hissed.

House set down his ice cream tub and straightened up. "Wilson—you look a little pale. How do you feel?"

Wilson cockily removed his shades and grinned. "Actually, I feel a little ravenous," he said brightly. "I feel the need for steak, rare, who's with me?"

Girl-Chase looked closely at Wilson. "Wilson, did you do something to your teeth?"

"Well, I did see my dentist about whitening them, Chase," Wilson replied. To everyone's shock (even Cuddy), Wilson suddenly grabbed girl-Chase by the waist and squeezed his bottom _hard_.

"Hey!" girl-Chase yelped, pushing forcefully against Wilson. His yelps and struggles became even more pronounced when Wilson leaned forward and nuzzled the side of his neck.

"Nice pulse point, Chase," Wilson whispered against Chase's neck. Then he opened his mouth, hovering over Chase's jugular…

Everything happened at once. Foreman and Cameron jumped on Wilson, trying to break his hold on Chase, who was now screaming like a girl. Cuddy the kitten jumped to the floor and ran to hide behind one of the urinals. House stood up and grabbed his cane, holding it by the shaft. He used the handle of the cane to jab Wilson sharply on his cheekbone, making Wilson go "Ow!" and releasing girl-Chase. Girl-Chase, Foreman, and Cameron all fell down on the restroom floor.

Girl-Chase went ballistic. "ARE YOU CRAZY???" he screeched. "You tried to bite me, Wilson! What are you, some kind of vampire?!"

"He is," House said quietly. "Look at the mirror."

Foreman, Chase, and Cameron stood up and looked. They could see their reflections, they could see House's reflection—but they couldn't see Wilson's reflection. They all turned to look at Wilson, whose "O" of shock was slightly distorted by his exaggerated upper canines.

Suddenly, House felt a sharp jab of pain that wasn't on his thigh. He gasped and bent over, wrapping his arm under his belly in reaction.

---

**Turning Wilson into a vampire—that's a classic! Would've been neater if you had him kissing girl-Chase.**

_(Giggles) Thank you!_

(Sound of a door opening)

**(Gasps)**

_Oh no! It's HIM!_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Expect the following--in no particular order..._

_- two chase scenes  
- a bit of an inside joke  
- somethin'-somethin'!  
- a break-in  
- some hocus-pocus  
- the epilogue and exposé...after this chapter. ;)_

_I'm afraid I'm a bit flaky about the placement of the Operating Room in canon, so if the floor it's on in this fic is wrong, please let me know. Even though this is crack._

_I don't own House, so this fanfic will stay a fanfic. Sigh..._

---

_It's him! Run!_

_**(Chaos ensues)**_

_(Yelling) Continue with the last phase!_

**(Scared) What of the plan?**

_Just do it! It'll be sweet revenge, whatever happens to us!_

**(Watches helplessly as her friend is taken)**

---

Cuddy the kitten peeked over the rim of the urinal she was hiding behind when House gasped in pain. She saw House grabbing the underside of his enormous belly and doubling over in pain. Cameron jumped up from the floor and went to his side. "How bad are the contractions?" she asked in a tight voice.

House waited for the pain to subside a little before replying in an even tighter voice, "Real—bad!"

Girl-Chase and Foreman stood up, brushing their clothes with their hands. Girl-Chase moved surreptitiously behind Foreman, eyeing Wilson warily. Wilson pretended not to be aware of Chase's movements, moving to lean against the wall of the restroom.

"We need a free operating room," Wilson muttered. "Emergency C-section…"

"Yeah," Chase interrupted. "How are we going to wheel House into the OR without drawing suspicion to his _delicate_ condition?"

Foreman looked at Wilson and Chase and just shrugged.

"Well, it better be quick," House growled. "I'm not exactly equipped to _dilate_ even one centimeter, and I'd rather not reenact Sigourney Weaver's excellent performance in _Alien 3_. Right now, I don't care if everyone knows about the handsome, knocked up doctor of Princeton; I just WANT THIS OVER WITH!"

"Unfortunately, NO ONE is ready to find out about a pregnant man," Cameron said, rubbing a hand over her forehead. She looked up and finally noticed Foreman was waving at her. "What?" she asked.

Foreman signed at Cameron to wait. He turned around, walked to one of the urinals, and picked up a bundle of black fluff by the scruff. Foreman raised Cuddy in the air while the kitten mewed and hissed in outrage, brandishing her claws and swiping the air helplessly.

Everyone in the room except House (who felt another contraction) looked at the kitten speculatively—and grinned.

---

A minute later, Foreman left the restroom with both hands in the pockets of his lab coat and visited two areas of the hospital as fast as he could without running. When he walked back to the direction of the men's room near Radiology, he was pushing an empty wheelchair with a large bag on it. He didn't enter the restroom; he just knocked on the door and walked past.

Later, Nurse Brenda looked up and saw a worried-looking blond woman wearing a familiar outfit walking towards Dr. Cuddy's office. "Excuse me," Nurse Brenda called out. "If you're looking for Dr. Cuddy, she left an hour ago."

The blond woman had already reached the door; she stiffened a bit when Brenda called out, but just when the nurse thought that the stranger was going to answer, the blond woman proceeded to open the door. The woman jumped in surprise.

"Oh!" she yelped in a strange voice—like an adolescent boy about to hit puberty with husky undertones. "A rat, a rat!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Nurse Brenda hissed, walking around the nurse's station towards the stranger. "This is a hospital! There are no—_eee_! A rat!"

Several heads had turned in the Free Clinic when the blond woman yelled "rat!", and a lot of people jumped up from their seats when they saw a small black thing whiz out of the door of the Dean of Medicine's office. "RAT!" several people yelled.

Pandemonium ensued.

---

Foreman's ears pricked when he heard Brenda scream. "Game time," he thought, opening the door to the men's room and pushing the wheelchair inside it.

When he entered, Foreman nearly tripped. He opened his mouth and let out a silent scream when he spotted Wilson hanging upside down on the side of the stall facing the door. Somehow, Wilson had hooked his legs over the top and bent backwards. With his lab coat strangely enough spread out wide behind him and his eyes closed, he reminded Foreman of an oversized albino bat, with bushy eyebrows that stood out starkly in his pale face.

Without opening his eyes, Wilson informed Foreman, "They're in the last stall."

Punctuating this announcement was House's groan. Cameron opened the door of the stall and poked her head out. "Over here, Foreman," she said. Then to House, "Can you stand up?"

"Gimme a moment," House growled. Eventually, with a little support from his cane and Cameron (Foreman set the wheelchair facing the door), House managed to sit on the wheelchair. Foreman reached into the large bag and extracted a large gray blanket and a pair of sunglasses. Cameron dressed him up.

While Cameron adjusted the blanket over him, House asked, "Where's Wilson?"

A bemused Foreman stepped away from the wheelchair and looked around.

Wilson was gone.

---

While Cuddy the kitten eluded the security guards, nurses, orderlies, and excited interns of her tightly-run teaching hospital, girl-Chase headed up to the third floor to check on the availability of an operating room. He exited the elevator and walked carefully; it had been a mistake to run wearing Cuddy's stilettos. He was now walking on stockinged feet, trying not to slide on the floor and not thinking of what Cuddy will do to him once she turned back into herself and found that he broke one of the heels of her stilettos.

As he rounded the corner, Chase heard people talking. "Damn!" Chase thought, running a hand through his luxurious hair. "How am I going to convince these guys to let us a room looking like _this_?"

"Of course, Dr. wilson."

"Right away, Dr. Wilson."

"Wilson?" girl-Chase thought, bewildered. He rounded the corner to investigate, and nearly collided with two nurses.

"Ouch!" Chase yelped.

"Sorry," the dark-haired nurse said in a dull voice.

"We're in a hurry. Dr. Wilson's orders," the other nurse continued in an equally dead voice. Chase stepped aside to let the nurses pass, noting how their eyes matched the tone of their voices perfectly: flat, unseeing, and lifeless.

"Weird," Chase muttered before turning—and walked right into Wilson.

"Oi!" Chase yelled, jumping back about a foot. He would have fallen on his ass if Wilson hadn't grabbed his arm and yanked him upright. The moment Chase found his balance, he tried to yank his arm away from Wilson's grasp.

"I found us a free OR," Wilson said amicably, as though keeping a firm grip on a struggling colleague's arm was a very normal thing to do during conversation. "I already called Cameron; they're on their way here right now."

"Uh, that's great," Chase squeaked; either his present gender was to blame for the lack of strength, or Wilson had developed unnatural strength since he attempted to bite his neck. "We have to prep the OR, get the stuff ready…"

"I think Foreman and Cameron can work that out for themselves," Wilson said silkily. Girl-Chase realized that Wilson was pulling him forward. _Damn stockings!_

"Let me go, Wilson," Chase yelped, turning away from Wilson to grab something, anything he can latch on to and anchor himself. But Wilson was faster; he reached out with his other hand and gently grasped Chase's dainty chin, turning the feminine face gently but firmly around to face him. "Look at me, Chase," Wilson purred.

Girl-Chase was on to him; he suddenly closed his eyes. "Nuuuuuuuuuur!" he cried through a clenched mouth.

Wilson wrinkled his brow and peered intently at Chase. His warm brown eyes glistened and turned a bottomless black. "Relax, Chase," he said softly.

Girl-Chase couldn't help it; he relaxed. Wilson smiled and resumed pulling his prey closer to him.

"You know you can trust me," Wilson crooned, drawing the lush figure into his arms. "Let me take care of you…" he murmured, stroking the thick blond locks.

"Trust you…take care of me," Chase repeated dully. He felt strange, like he was enveloped in a warm cocoon. He forgot why he was panicking earlier; he was enjoying Wilson's ministrations. Girl-Chase's eyelids fluttered as he slowly bent his head sideways. He closed his eyelids as he felt Wilson breathe down on his neck…

The next thing Chase knew, he was looking at the ceiling lights while lying on his back. He felt a dull throb at the back of his head. Somewhere in front of him, he heard a cat hiss and yowl. A man was yelling in surprise and pain.

"Get off me, get off me!" Wilson roared before he started sneezing violently.

Still a little groggy from—whatever it was that Wilson did to him—Chase carefully eased himself up and saw Wilson running from one side to the other and vaulting himself midair like Spiderman. It looked to Chase that Wilson was trying to rip off a black and white beret off his head, but judging from the yowls and meows and the red marks on his face, Wilson had just been attacked by Cuddy the kitten. When Wilson paused in the middle of the hallway, the hairs on the back of Chase's head began to rise; Wilson's fangs were out, and he looked mighty pissed off.

Wilson suddenly wrenched the kitten off his hair, sacrificing several tendrils in the process, and tossed her into the air. Chase lunged forward to catch her before she hit the floor, skidding right under Wilson's legs until he was a few feet away from him. Somehow, Chase managed to get back on his feet, clutching Cuddy in the crook of his arm. He had no time to check on her; he looked around and realized that he was standing near one of the pillars flanking the nurse's station.

"Chase…" Wilson called out drolly. "We're not done yet, Chase."

"Oh yes, we are!" Chase squeaked, using his free arm to grab on one corner of the pillar and yank himself forward. He was glad that the underside of the stockings didn't have any runs in them yet, using the lack of friction to slide and partially skate through the hallway and reach the other set of elevators at the end. Chase twisted around and hit the elevator doors with his left shoulder, jarring Cuddy in his arms.

Cuddy mewled weakly.

"Almost there, Cuddy!" Chase whispered, pressing both the up and down buttons. He looked behind him and his eyes turned saucer-wide. Wilson had turned the corner and was walking lazily towards them. As he was walking, the scratches on his face began to disappear.

"Don't leave, Chase," Wilson drawled. "We were having so much fun…"

"BACK!" Chase yelled, raising Cuddy in the air like a talisman and pointing her in Wilson's direction. Wilson stopped in his tracks and hissed. Cuddy blinked her blue eyes rapidly, tilted her head to the side and went, "Meow?"

"Stay right where you are," Chase gasped out as the elevator pinged and opened behind him. "No funny stuff, do you hear me?"

Wilson raised his hands in the air. "No funny stuff," Wilson said tightly.

"Right," Chase muttered, keeping an eye on Wilson while he backed carefully into the elevator and pressed a button on the panel. As the doors closed, Chase saw Wilson looking bored.

He didn't see Wilson saunter lazily towards the fire escape.

---

On the other side of the hallway, Cameron and Foreman wheeled a groaning, blanket-covered House through the elevator doors.

"Where's Wilson?" Cameron muttered. "He said he'll meet us at OR #4."

Foreman walked towards the giant whiteboard listing the schedule of every operating room and the name of the surgeons working in each. Then he looked around him and walked towards the nurse's station. He looked up at Cameron and House and shrugged. _No one's here!_

"Great," Cameron growled, slapping her hand against the wall. Instead of a light smacking sound on concrete wall, Cameron was surprised to feel the wall give way a little. She turned around to look at the wall and retracted her hand away from it in horror.

"Damn, woman!" House said weakly, admiring the dent Cameron made in the wall. "So that's where all my testosterone went."

Foreman dropped his jaw in shock.

"I didn't—I—uh," Cameron sputtered, but she forgot about destroying the wall when House doubled over in pain.

"Let's just get this over with," House growled. Foreman ran to open the doors of OR #4 as Cameron wheeled House into surgery. "And SOMEBODY shoot me up with some drugs!"

---

Aside from her unusual strength, Cameron also got super speed. She undressed House and actually carried him in her arms over to the OR table in 2 minutes flat. By the time Foreman had finished preparing himself for the C-section, Cameron had anesthetized House and was ready for surgery herself.

House was quite impressed, and was better able to appreciate this unexpected development with Cameron now that he was numbed down.

"Think you got enough time to pick up a pizza before cutting me open?" House quipped lazily. The meds made him relax and numb, just the way he liked himself.

Foreman looked at House in shock; Cameron had House lying on his back and legs spread wide in stirrups.

"No time for blushing, Foreman—if you _are_ blushing right now," House said brightly. "I've got the same equipment—just more modified than yours."

Foreman rolled his eyes and went to work removing House's legs from the stirrups. Obviously, he wouldn't be giving birth _that_ way.

Cameron looked sheepish. "Guess I went overboard," she said, blushing.

House looked down at his exposed chest. "Prescribe a bottled formula for the kids," he muttered. "I'm not completely into the 'Breastmilk is good for your baby' group anyway…" House paused here as he noticed the blanched look on Foreman's face. "What is it?"

Foreman didn't look at House—he signaled to Cameron, who stepped forward to look at what made Foreman bug-eyed with horror. "Oh my God!"

House looked up. "What now?!"

Cameron and Foreman looked at each other nervously.

"We have to start the C-section, House," Cameron said in a calm, controlled voice, moving about to prepare the surgical instruments. Foreman went out for a while and came back with two little bassinets.

"What did you find Cameron?" House said, his voice rising with every syllable. "WHAT DID YOU FIND?"

Cameron had just started to apply some antiseptic to his lower abdomen. She bit her lower lip for a moment before asking him, "Remember that scene in _Alien 3_?"

---

A disheveled girl-Chase rushed towards the doors to the hospital chapel. He had ascertained that Cuddy hadn't been seriously harmed while they were in the elevator.

"I just hope that you won't remember this when you change back," Chase murmured, stroking Cuddy's ears while he strode swiftly down the hallway, comforted by the purring. "And if you do, I hope you remember that Wilson wasn't himself when he ripped you off his head and threw you like a football…"

Cuddy reacted to that by tensing up and twisting in his arms to climb over his chest and shoulder, unsheathing her claws and hissing at something behind them. Chase realized that Cuddy was angry at something behind them; he turned around to see what it was—and paled.

Walking lazily towards them was Wilson. And he was wearing a surgical mask over his face.

"Shit!" Chase hissed, turning around and making a run for the chapel.

---

"It _is_ a girl!" Cameron squealed, her eyes alight with joy and happy tears. Foreman extracted the tiny newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and handed her to her mother (Cameron), who proceeded to clean up the baby. Within moments, a squall resounded throughout the operating room.

"She's so beautiful!" Cameron gushed, sounding stuffy and unable to control her tears. "House, you should see her!"

"Later," House replied wearily. "Still gotta expel—her sister…"

He tried not to demand to see his baby.

---

Girl-Chase ran for the chapel doors. He barely placed his hand on the doorknob when he felt a strong arm wrap around his 24-inch waist.

"Gotcha!" Wilson said triumphantly, pulling Chase closer to him. "Come to daddy!"

Girl-Chase held onto the knob, praying that his hands won't slip. "Snap out of it, Wilson!" Chase shrieked when his lush woman's bottom came into contact with something hard. "It's me, Chase! ROBERT CHASE! This is a temporary thing, and so is your vampirism!"

"Spoilsport," Wilson drawled, reaching forward to break Chase's death grip on the doorknob. He felt the familiar burn of cat's claws on his forearm, but he just snarled and knocked Cuddy aside.

Cuddy somersaulted into the air and landed on her feet a meter away. By the time she got her bearings and reached the chapel doors, Wilson had already closed them behind him and girl-Chase.

---

House laid flat on his back, tired, marvelously numbed up, and a little relieved. Foreman had done a good job of patching and cleaning him up. Cameron was still cleaning up the twins.

"Now we know, Foreman," House whispered (he really was exhausted) "why we leave this stuff to the women."

Foreman looked House in the eye and mouthed, "Amen!"

"Here they are!" Cameron trilled, pushing one bassinet forward and holding a tiny pink-wrapped bundle in her arms. She leaned forward and kissed House on the forehead. "Good work—MOM."

House muttered something incomprehensible. Cameron ignored that and placed the bundle into his arms. "Say hi to Daddy, Mary," Cameron whispered.

For once, House was at a loss for words. He looked down at the helpless, wrinkled, red-faced little darling in his arms. "I—you—uh, she looks like you," he murmured, overwhelmed. He brought her and her sister into this world.

He—then made a face. "Mary?"

Cameron shrugged. "First name that popped in my head."

House snorted. "And what did you name our other daughter?" he asked derisively.

Foreman raised an eyebrow. He noticed that House was getting some more color in his cheeks and some strength back into his voice. It seemed kind of fast after the C-section.

"Susan," Cameron said as she picked up the younger twin from her bassinet and placed her into the crook of House's other arm. "My favorite aunt's name," she explained quickly.

"Mary and Sue," House muttered, shaking his head. "Before you write anything on paper, we need to discuss naming them properly. I'm not letting them enroll into Harvard without giving them proper and totally cool names."

"Like what?" Cameron asked, crossing her arms.

"Like—uh, hmmm..."

House looked up and stuck out his lower lip, deep in thought. This lasted for a minute; House shook his head and said, "Well, when I do think of some really cool names, I'll…" He paused and shifted uncomfortably. "Cameron," he said, a note of panic in his voice. "Get the girls…"

* * *

_Epilogue? I dunno...I need comments to sustain me. ;)_  



	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: The end arrives with a new player. So, what happened to our doctors at the end of this crack fantasy? Who are the mysterious entities? And what happens when everything goes back to "normal"?**

**I still don't own House.**

---

Somewhere in somebody's office…

You guys really did it now, haven't you?

_Uh…_

**We regret nothing!**

(Snort!) Well, that's what you say NOW. I've stopped your little friends from escaping and caught you just in time before you sent this little beauty off. Nice piece of work, though...

_Really?_

**Are you kidding?!**

Actually, I am kidding.

_Awww._

**Bastard.**

(Laughs) Now, if you all don't mind, I have to fix something. You guys are going to stew back in here until I fix this.

_(Grins)_

**(Snickers) Good luck with that.**

(Cracks knuckles) Thanks, but I won't need it…

---

_Back at the chapel…_

Cuddy rushed into the chapel and secured the doors behind her. She felt like her face was on fire as she self-consciously covered her generous breasts with one arm and her more private part with her other hand. Some weird thought that crystallized in her mind informed her that she should be glad she splurged on the Brazilian wax.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…_aaaaagh_!!!"

She jumped when the door near the altar opened with an explosive force. A red-faced Wilson stumbled out of it, wiping his mouth with his hand. A not so girly Chase followed him; the top he wore had ripped at the seams at the shoulder, chest, and waist. The skirt was barely hanging onto his waist, and there was a noticeable gash from the simple slit at the back right up to Chase's black briefs. Like Wilson, Chase was wiping his mouth and neck vigorously with his hands. When the men paused to look at each other, they made identical expressions of disgust and resumed wiping their mouths.

Cuddy cleared her throat. The men turned to look at her—and dropped their jaws. Cuddy turned even redder and moved sideways carefully until she felt her naked left hip hit the side of a pew. She wiggled sideways into the pew and sat down on it, trying not to think how nice the cool, polished wood felt against the globes of her ass.

Wilson was the first to collect himself. He cleared his throat and gentlemanly removed his white coat, raising it to eye level when he approached Cuddy and covering her with it.

While Cuddy wrapped herself in Wilson's coat, Chase took this moment to enter the priest's vestibule and scrounge around. When he appeared, Cuddy and Wilson saw Chase wearing a priest's black robe and white starched collar. He held up an identical costume in his other hand and said gruffly to Cuddy, "I'll pay for your—uh—shoes and stuff later, I swear."

---

That night, Wilson, Cuddy and Chase (the latter two quickly escaped to their respective homes to change first) joined House, Cameron and Foreman at the nursery. They all looked in and saw Mary and Sue House lying in individual bassinets side-by-side, oblivious to their audience. Mary suckled on a pacifier while Sue slept with her little pink mouth open.

The fraternal twins had their father's eyes and their mother's hair. The most notable differences seen so far between the babies were that Mary's face was shaped like Cameron's and Sue had an oval-shaped face.

House had shocked Cameron and Foreman when, after looking down, he found that his C-section wound had disappeared. After Foreman removed the stitches, Cameron received the call from Wilson, telling them to wheel House into a private room two floors up from the Department of Diagnostics.

"House won't need the room," Cameron said. "A few minutes after delivering, House's wound healed fast—real fast."

Wilson, who was calling from the nurse's station at the ground floor reception area, groaned inwardly. "Aw, man," he muttered, looking furtively around him. "How are we going to explain that those babies are yours and House's when…"

"Has Dr. Cameron delivered?" Nurse Brenda asked in surprise behind him. Wilson whirled around to gaze at the austere, sharp-tongued nurse in shock.

Brenda had to repeat the question to Wilson, who felt like his mind had shut down. "Ah…"

"I thought she was about ready to pop," Brenda interrupted, shaking her head. "So, who delivered?"

"Uh—Drs. Foreman and House," Wilson said lamely.

"Huh, I figured," Brenda said, shaking her head and walking past him. "Controlling bastard…"

"What was that all about?" Cameron asked, puzzled. Wilson almost forgot that he was still talking to Cameron on the phone.

"Well, I do believe you were pregnant for a while…" Wilson said glibly, scratching his head in confusion.

When Cuddy and Chase were informed, they were similarly shocked. Cuddy was a bit more skeptical, but after discreetly and skillfully asking around, it was apparent that everyone else thought—or knew—that Dr. Cameron had been delivered of two healthy little girls. Solidifying this strangest turn of events within the day, Wilson had been besieged with phone calls from Cameron's and House's parents, asking about their granddaughters.

It was all very odd, but after what they went through, it was the best weird development that ever happened.

"I guess Cameron will be staying here for a while as a patient," Cuddy announced when they all rendezvoused in OR #4.

"Well, that's not fair," House grumbled. He was now wearing his own clothes after he lost the pregnancy bulge and stitches. "I'm the one who carried them for—" he checked his watch "—five hours!"

"Well, its either walk around with your manhood in place, or get a place in history and Ripley's Believe it or Not as the world's one and only pregnant man who delivered twins to term in the space of five hours," Cuddy said in a reasonable tone. "And after everything that happened here, I'm willing to let you go on paternity leave…"

"Man, I love fatherhood!" House yelled, punching the air with his fists. Then he felt something wet and warm on his chest. Everyone gasped as they saw a wet patch spread steadily across his t-shirt.

Cameron looked around at the group. "Anyone got a pump?" she asked sweetly.

---

The nurses stationed near Cameron's hospital room were pleasantly surprised at House's transformation from world-renowned cur to attentive and caring father (only where his girls are concerned). They weren't surprised at Cameron's inability to lactate; it does happen to some women. No one objected to the request to have the twins moved into her room as the girls were healthy and had no complications usually associated with twins. What was weird was the timing of House's visitations. He always arrived at Cameron's room whenever the twins needed feeding, no matter what the time of day was. He always made sure to draw all the blinds in the room.

Mary Cameron House and Blythe Suzanne House were brought home a week after their unusual birth. After making the necessary arrangements and putting most of her furniture in storage, Cameron moved in with House at his place on that day. When the twins were six months old, the couple decided to move the family in a house several blocks away from Cuddy's home. Much to Cuddy's chagrin, House often went out of his way to stop by her house at odd hours to make her approve risky procedures. Fortunately for her, it only lasted for one week.

Cuddy hadn't been successful in her attempts to get pregnant. She did, however, saw Wilson secretly on weekends. Their affair involved unusual role-playing, red maple syrup, Cuddy wearing nothing and being chased around her house by Wilson wearing only a black cape. It was on one occasion around midnight when House stopped by that he witnessed this bizarre playacting while peeking through Cuddy's window. Whatever he saw made him abruptly stop harassing Cuddy at her home and he decided to stick to annoying her at the hospital, with great relish.

Since that fateful, crazy day, Chase and Wilson barely looked at each other for three months, which proved awkward whenever Wilson needed to consult with House and his team. House had observed for one month that Wilson ate a lot of steak and hamburger for lunch. Medium rare.

Foreman decided to learn sign language at a community center near his apartment.

Chase kept his word and paid for the clothes he destroyed. Cameron wasn't sure, but when Chase stretched his legs one time during a lull at work, she thought she saw stockings under Chase's gray socks.

Everyone was also getting used to Chase getting hounded by at least five women, who, after being skillfully questioned by House, all claimed that Chase "could really understand women." House just smiled and said, "He sure does!"

As for House, everyone noticed how courteous and understanding he became whenever a pregnant woman crossed his path. He shocked Nurse Brenda and her cronies when he slammed his cane in front of them and demanded to know why no one was attending to an Asian woman in labor, left alone in her room. He also made sure that the freezers at home and at work were always stocked with at least one tub of kiwi and strawberry ice cream.

Three months after the twins' first birthday, a grinning Cameron dropped two positive pregnancy sticks into House's lap. House looked at them with horror and asked, "Please tell me _you're_ the one who's knocked up."

---

**Well, that was sure anticlimactic!**

_Agreed—you cheated and made everyone else think that Cameron had been pregnant all along! (Blows a raspberry) Rip off!_

Hey, you guys started this! I just finished what you started. Crack with crack and all that shit.

**(Snorts)**

(Walks over to a telephone and dials a number)

_Who are you calling?!_

Someone who'll take you off my hands. (Ringing ends) Hello, Shonda? This is David. Would you be interested to adopt a couple of rabid plot bunnies?

_RABID plot bunnies?!_

**I'm insulted. That piece of crack we created was a product of sheer genius! Who does David think he is—the guy who created House, MD?!**

_Uh—actually, he is…_

THE END


End file.
